Welcome to Commaspliceville. Can I get you a drink?
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
I might even be willing to break my No Camping rule
Have you all read that book, The Red Tent by Anita Diamant? Some people love it and some people hate it (I happen to love it) but that is not really the point; the point is that it takes place during Bible times when women had to be segregated from men whenever they had any lady business going on, like menstruation or childbirth or whatever.
This particular practice is held up by many feminist pagans as evidence of the Judeo-Christian patriarchy's longstanding tradition of he-man woman-hating, but I'm-a tell you what, I think WOMEN came up with this whole concept and cleverly pitched it to the men such that they thought it was their own idea. (Because that is what they teach us girls in those hygiene films in sixth grade, you know -- how to get exactly what we want without the men even knowing what hit them. YOU KNOW YOU THINK IT'S TRUE, MEN.)
In other news, HOLY CRAP do I ever have wicked PMS right now and I would like nothing better than to segregate myself from ALL humanity for the next week or so. I am all stressed out about my sick grandma and the girl's upcoming birthday and Thansgiving and Christmas and the fact that we seriously do not have a free weekend AT ALL for the next couple of months and I dunno if it's just because I'm a bit HORMONALLY DISABLED right now or what but I SWEAR every single time I sit down to do something to try and get my mojo back -- like to read or write or knit or watch Sons of Anarchy or whatever -- someone calls on the phone or needs something or has a screaming conniption fit for no reason whatsoever and OH MY GOD WHERE IS THAT GODDAMN RED TENT WHEN I NEED IT? WHERE?!
Don't you think we womenfolk should all be able to piss off to a spa or something for, like, a week and a half out of every month? Don't you? Wouldn't that be better for EVERYONE?
(You can't tell by looking at the actual trees, but the elms along our back fence are turning golden. One leaf at a time.)
Pretty!
(With the exception of Sunday and most of Monday, this is the kind of weather we've been having for the past week or so. Blue skies, sunny, low humidity, mild temperatures, flat-out GORGEOUS.)
Yucky!
(But apart from that it's been raining. Kind of a lot.)
Yay! I bought an 8 foot by 10 foot rug for like 80 bucks that goes perfectly in our living room and covers up all the carpet stains and doesn't smell like ass and I don't even think it was stolen!
Boo! I almost got to test out the airbags in my new car when someone dropped a table in the middle of a 70 mph highway!
Yay! The anti-lock brakes work great! And the tires are in good shape, too! Or they were, anyway.
Boo! The girl child's bathroom sink is clogged beyond belief. I think DH is going to have to get nasty with the pipes. Ugh.
Yay! I bought more cinnamon-apple hand soap today!
Boo! I cannot, for the life of me, find this stupid book the girl child needs for her flute lessons (did I tell you she's taking flute lessons? but not in band? it's complicated, yo).
Yay! No wait when I took the kids for walk-in haircuts today after school!
Boo! You know that thing you get at the back of your throat right before you get sick? I have that.
Yay! I bought wine today!
Boo! My grandma's house is up for auction, along with most of its contents, and I am sad.
We need to talk about Audrey Niffenegger's Her Fearful Symmetry, people. Because I have STRONG FEELINGS about it.
First of all, I absolutely LOVED The Time Traveler's Wife. LOVED IT. (The book, I mean. I haven't seen the movie and don't plan to.) It was so sweet and strange and sad and compelling, I just adored it. But this book? Her Fearful Symmetry? It's no Time Traveler's Wife, that's for DAMN sure.
Which is to say ... I kind of hated it.
The book involves two sets of twins. Elspeth and Edie are the older twins, and Julia and Valentina are the younger (they are, in fact, Edie's daughters). Elspeth dies from cancer (not a spoiler) and leaves her entire estate, including her London flat situated right next to Highgate Cemetery, to her twin nieces. Which is remarkable because they've never met; Elspeth and Edie have been estranged for years, and Edie and her husband have been living in America since before the twins were born. Elspeth's will stipulates that Julia and Valentina must live in the flat for a year before they sell it, and that Edie and her husband are not to set foot therein at all ever.
Sounds good, right? Sounds interesting? Yeah, I thought so, too. But HOW WRONG I WAS.
I'm not even sure where to start. Maybe with the characters? Who all sucked? You've got Elspeth, who was "quirky" and "unique" in life, but becomes petulant and needy in death as she passive-aggressively haunts her nieces (also not a spoiler). You've got the two milquetoast types who occupy other flats in the Highgate-adjacent building: Martin, who is so crippled by OCD that his wife left him and MOVED TO ANOTHER COUNTRY, and Robert, who had been Elspeth's slightly younger lover and is by turns timid and mopey and creepy. You've got the younger twins, Julia and Valentina, who are vapid idiotic waifs. You've got the nibby-nosed older lady, Jessica, who works at Highgate. I mean, honestly. There is not one likeable character in the bunch. (Although Martin, the OCD guy, is the lesser of several evils.)
Okay, so how about the plot? Which sounds like it would be interesting? Unfortunately, it's rife with glacial pacing and missed opportunities. The first three-quarters of the book go like this: the twins wake up. They go into town. Elspeth the ghost gets bored hanging around the flat, which she can't leave for some inexplicable reason, and tries to move a tchotchke. Robert mopes and/or creepily stalks the twins from a distance. Martin scrubs his floors and designs crossword puzzles. Highgate Cemetery continues to exist. Lather, rinse, repeat. That is all that happens for dozens of chapters, I'm not kidding.
I mean, hello? Ghost story? Highgate Cemetery? That shit should be RIVETING. But sadly, no. It's really, really not.
The last few chapters are impossible to discuss without revealing spoilers, but suffice it to say that a series of plot twists serves only to render all of the characters even MORE loathsome, several dangling plot points are left dangling, and the actual ending is just RIDICULOUSLY unsatisfying.
My verdict, in short? Don't bother. If you loved The Time Traveler's Wife, read THAT again and let's pretend this other book never happened.
I walked forty-seven miles of barbed wire, I got a cobra snake for a necktie A brand new house on the road side, and it's a-made out of rattlesnake hide Got a band new chimney put on top, and it's a-made out of human skull Come on take a little walk with me baby, and tell me who do you love? Who do you love? Who do you love?
Around the town I use a rattlesnake whip, take it easy baby don't you give me no lip Who do you love? Who do you love?
I've got a tombstone hand and a graveyard mind, I'm just twenty-two and I don't mind dying Who do you love? Who do you love? Who do you love?
Now Arlene took a-me by my hand, she said "Lonesome George you don't understand, who do you love?" The night were dark and the sky were blue, down the alleyway a house wagon flew Hit a bump and somebody screamed, you should've heard what I'd seen Who do you love? Who do you love? Who do you love? Who do you love?
Yeah, I've got a tombstone hand in a graveyard mind, just twenty-two baby I don't mind dying Snake skin shoes baby put them on your feet, got the goodtime music and the Bo Diddley beat Who do you love? Who do you love?
I walked forty-seven miles of barbed wire, I got a cobra snake for a necktie A brand new house on the road side, and it's made out of rattlesnake hide Got a band new chimney put on top, and it's made out of human skull Come on take a little walk with me child, tell me who do you love? Who do you love? Who do you love - George Thorogood and the Destroyers, "Who Do You Love?"
Did I tell you I'm retiring Song Lyric Saturday in 2010? Well, I am. So between now and then I've got to cram in all the songs I like that I haven't posted yet. Which is why you're getting this one today.
Oh people. I am so in love with my new car. It's really kind of silly.
Today I drove it to TWO different grocery stores and marveled at the immense cargo space ... while my groceries rolled around all over it. Heh. I think I need to get a box or two to put back there and corral everything. I also drove to my parents' house to show it off (the car, not the cargo space)(although, that too) and I was going to take them for a ride but they had been pouring concrete and were afraid they'd get it all dirty. That's right -- pouring concrete. I DON'T EVEN KNOW, PEOPLE.
Oh, and! I got to try out the anti-lock brakes, thanks to some stupid bitch who didn't know her left from her right! I didn't think we'd have to review the "no right turns from the left lane" rule, but apparently we do. So, um, DON'T DO THAT. Especially while brushing your hair AND while another car is already occupying the right lane, DUMBASS. If I'd been driving the pain-in-the-ass minivan I'd have plowed into her, just to teach her a lesson, and SHE WOULD HAVE DESERVED IT.
Anyhoo.
It's been a bit of an adjustment, switching from the van to this car. My not-so-badass minivan was the top of the line for its model year. Leather seats, lumbar support, adjustable pedals, integrated video, compass, outdoor thermometer, traction control, power EVERYTHING, a sophisticated display system that communicated in words instead of symbols -- that freaking thing was chock-full of bells and whistles. We aren't really top-of-the-line people, but we bought it in the last week of December during the final year the Windstar was made -- they were practically giving them away.
The Hyundai, on the other hand, is the stripped-down base model. The only option it has is automatic transmission. It has EVERYTHING we wanted but it's not so electronicky -- there are manual levers and buttons and latches everywhere for everything (it does have power windows and locks, though). So far the only things I've missed are the compass/thermometer (not necessary, but nice to have) and the feature that locked all the doors when I put the car in gear. I keep accidentally driving around with all the doors unlocked and it's freaking the girl child right out. Gotta get in the habit of hitting that button, I guess.
But oh, OH, do I love it. I love how car-like it is and how quiet and smooth the ride is. I love that it looks small-ish from the outside but has A TON of space inside -- head space, leg room, cargo space, everything. I love all the little storage cubbyholes everywhere. I love the weird little lever that raises and lowers the driver's seat. I love that it came with a USB port and an auxiliary audio input for my not-an-iPod and three free months of XM radio. I love how comfortable it is and how sporty it looks (you know, compared to what I had before).
And as much as I loved my minivan, back when it was still badass, I LOVE that it's NOT A MINIVAN. I love that my kids are old enough that I've been able to graduate to a vehicle like THIS instead. This is seriously the most kick-ass car I've driven since my old cherry-red '88 Mustang.
Okay. I will stop gushing now.
But I might start up again later.
Oh, and thank you for all the nice comments! I wish I could take you ALL for a ride in this thing, seriously.
OH DUDES. I am a little stressed right now. As if the allergy thing were not ENOUGH, the Badger children's after-school schedule has become somewhat insane. I swear, I do not remember school requiring this much AFTER-school time back in the Jurassic my day. There is no day during the week when someone doesn't have SOMETHING, and the scheduling of orthodontist appointments and the like requires the missing of something "really important, Mom! GOD!" And the children are a little complainy about that, if you hadn't guessed.
Also, this whole buying a new car thing is not going nearly as smoothly as we had hoped. There have been several snags in the process, and meanwhile my pain-in-the-ass minivan is occasionally BELCHING BLUE SMOKE from the tailpipe. Even though we just spent hundreds of dollars having the emissions system fixed. It's due to be inspected at the end of the month if we don't get rid of it before then, and there is no way it will pass without MORE work, and OH MY GOD WHY IS LIFE SO HARD?
DH has been "on vacation" for going on two weeks now. Those of you who aren't career housewives are excused from recognizing the significance of this, but those of you who are -- you feel me. Right? Enough said.
Christmas? Yeah, we are still hosting that. For DH's entire family. At our house. In less than two months. Oy.
Finally, my last remaining grandmother, who has been in and out of the hospital for the past couple of months, is back IN and not doing well at all from the sound of things. I am what you might call extremely distraught over this, particularly over the fact that she requires hospitalization and I know that she really really REALLY does not want to die in a hospital. But it looks like maybe she might. And so I am facing a possible trip to my hometown, where IT SNOWED TODAY, for a very sad funeral in the next few months. AWESOME.
I really DID pick a bad week to stop shooting smack, yo.
Hi, I'm Badger and I'm an Afrin addict. It's been about three months since I last used, but I've been tempted many times in the past few weeks, ever since the elm pollen started busting out all over.
This is a really hard time of year for me, with the pollen and whatnot, and it's always a struggle not to pick up that little white bottle. Because I know that just one little squirt in each nostril at bedtime could make all my problems go away. No more stuffy nose, no more drainage all night leading to a nagging cough, no more sneezing EVERY. WAKING. MOMENT.
But I know, because I have been there SO MANY TIMES, that the relief will be temporary. Sure, the first night I'll sleep great! Maybe even the second night! But by the third night, it'll take TWO squirts in each nostril to get the same effect. Within four days, I'll start rebounding and spending the entire day a congested mess, watching the clock and counting the minutes until my next fix. And just as one squirt will lead to two, and two will lead to three, nighttime-only use will lead to morning AND nighttime use. Then before I know it I'll be a couple of months into a serious bender, jamming three squirts up each nostril three times a day, unable to smell or taste and filling the trash can with bloody tissues all day long.
You think I'm kidding? Making fun of addicts? I WISH. I am so not. If you've ever been hooked on Afrin, YOU KNOW.
I've been trying to do the right thing. I dug out my neti pot and I've been using that instead of the Afrin, but I SWEAR TO GOD, the neti pot has made things WORSE. I am doing it right so that's not the issue (yes, I'm sure). It's like, without all that gunk up there, the pollen has a more direct route to my bloodstream or something. The scratchy throat, the sneezing, the dripping -- it's all worse than before. Worse! WTF?!
The head of my bed is elevated. I'm taking my prescription and OTC allergy meds. I'm drinking lots of water. I do not have a fever or any green junk or any alarming symptoms, but HOLY GOD I feel like hell.
The Afrin wouldn't make it better. I know that. I do.
Every day I don't pick up that little white bottle is a victory.
OH DUDES. We are having our roof put on today. You would not believe the noise. It sounds like ... well, it sounds like a dozen guys with nail guns are stomping around up there. Which happens to be the case. There's not much else that sounds like that, you know? Unless you count the hail storm(s) last spring that necessitated our getting a new roof in the first place.
I stayed away from home as much as possible today but now the Badger children are out of school and the girl has a big messy project she's doing for science and I can't very well haul her and her foam board and felt and glue and popsicle sticks up to the LIBRARY to do it, so now we're stuck here and my head is going to EXPLODE.
Holy crap, people. It's NOVEMBER already! How did that happen? I kind of feel like I just put the Christmas decorations away, and now a month from today I'll be getting them out again!
That's right, retailers. I said A MONTH FROM TODAY. We still have a whole month of FALL to get through, so knock it off with the Christmas already. Geez.
Mother Nature is totally off her meds this year, I swear. Since September our weather has been alternately miserable and perfect with nothing whatsoever in-between. Fifties and rainy? Or seventies and sunny? PICK ONE, because that's all that's on the menu. And you might get both in one day. It is SO going to snow here this winter, I just know it.
I don't have much else to tell you, except that tomorrow we are getting our new roof FOR SURE THIS TIME WE THINK, and also I might be getting my new car this week! Maybe! So that should be fun.
Oh, and I signed up for NaBloPoMo again, since I will be posting every damn day anyway, except this time it won't be 30 Songs in 30 Days like in yearspast. It'll just be random crap. Like this.
Dead I am the one, exterminating son Slipping through the trees, strangling the breeze Dead I am the sky, watching angels cry while they slowly turn, conquering the worm
Dig through the ditches and Burn through the witches and slam in the back of my Dragula
Dig through the ditches and Burn through the witches and slam in the back of my Dragula
Dead I am the pool, spreading from the fool We get what you need, no air as you bleed Dead I am the rat, feast upon the cat Tender is the fur, dying as you purr
Dig through the ditches and Burn through the witches and slam in the back of my Dragula
Dig through the ditches and Burn through the witches and slam in the back of my Dragula
Do it baby, Do it baby Do it baby, Do it baby Purr like an animal
Dead I am the life, dig into the skin Knuckle crack the bone, 21 to win Dead I am the dog, hound of hell you cry Devil on your back, I can never die
Dig through the ditches and Burn through the witches and slam in the back of my Dragula
Dig through the ditches and Burn through the witches and slam in the back of my Dragula
Do it baby, Do it baby Do it baby, Do it baby Purr like an animal
Dig through the ditches and Burn through the witches and slam in the back of my Dragula
Dig through the ditches and Burn through the witches and slam in the back of my Dragula
Dig through the ditches and Burn through the witches and slam in the back of my Dragula - Rob Zombie, "Dragula"
Hey! Happy Halloween, everyone! Usually I post Misfits lyrics for Halloween but what can I say? I'm in a Rob Zombie mood this year. Besides, this song kicks ass. I have it on my fitness playlist and lemme tell you, if this shit doesn't get your ass moving on the treadmill or elliptical or whatever, you might already be dead. Heh.
It's been a loooooong time since I made granny squares, and now I remember why. OMG, it took me longer to weave in all the freaking yarn ends than it did to crochet and join the squares!
I also finished the scarf, FINALLY. I decided to do fringe on the ends so I didn't have to weave in ANYTHING, I just worked the yarn ends into the fringe.
From now on I'm only crocheting stripes or solids, seriously. No more motifs. It's SO much easier to finish.
Now I just need to hide these somewhere until her birthday.
posted by Badger at 3:49 PM
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